…to those who never have to deal with snoring, and get the whole bed to themselves.
…to those who only have their own glorious mess to contend with.
…to those who get to spend their entire disposable income on themselves.
…to those who never have to carry the cold stone of sickening worry in their belly.
…to those who know that the last piece of dessert will always be in the fridge where they left it.
…to those who get to go wherever they want without having to consult with anyone else.
…to those who can leave their washing on the bedroom floor.
…to those who never have to argue about who’s going to take the last beer.
…to those who are never waiting around for someone else to get ready.
…to those who never come home to any unnecessary conflict or petty gripes.
…to those who don’t have to spend a fortune on Christmas presents for someone else’s family.
…to those who never have to sacrifice space in their home to another person’s interests.
…to those who don’t have to apologise for coming home drunk.
…to those who don’t have to negotiate their way through the minefield of someone else’s headfucks.
…to those who can spend the whole weekend at home in their pants without criticism.
…to those who are enjoying a respite from drama.
…to those who never have to clean someone else’s piss off of the toilet.
For everyone who joins me in being actively grateful for being alone, I wish you a marvellous Sunday.
Valentine’s Day has always rankled a little, even when I have been in relationships. I resent the idea that at some point, a group of corporations has dictated a day when we are guilt-tripped into spending money to demonstrate the extent to which we care about someone – and as a society we’ve just gone along with it.
So as a nice, solid, two-fingered salute to a capitalist drive to exploit love, let us celebrate with gleeful joy the vibrancy of this exquisitely sweary ode to pure hatred by Frank Carter & the Rattlesnakes;
I have had a few relationships over the years, most of which ended out being utter car crashes due to poor choices on my part. I am happy to put my hands up and accept responsibility for that. I am not perfect; in fact, if you’ve been here a while, you will know that I write about exactly how NOT PERFECT I am.
However I (as many others have, I am sure) inexplicably put up with loads of completely unnecessary bullshit in my relationships. Over the years I have identified a few important elements of friction-generating behaviour in my ex-partners. I am keen to share some tips with everyone to help you avoid unwittingly becoming the kind of boyfriend or girlfriend that makes their significant other want to throw furniture at them.
Also, it’s a bit funny…
In no particular order;
- Don’t make a mess, and then complain about there being a mess.
- Learn when your partner’s birthday is, and decide in advance whether you are going to acknowledge birthdays or not. You have 364 OTHER days to sort this out; do not under any circumstances ask to borrow money from your partner, on their birthday, to go and buy them a gift. Also, do not ask them to drive you, with their own money, to go and buy them a present. On their birthday.
- Don’t buy a car you know you can’t afford to run, and then get deeply and personally annoyed when you can’t afford to run it.
- If you don’t want a rubbish bin full of stinking liquid in your kitchen, don’t put perishable liquids in the rubbish bin in your kitchen. And then complain about it.
- Don’t say “I’ll be 20 minutes”, if what you actually mean is “I fully intend on making a sandwich and having a shower before I leave.” Do not underestimate the rage you can generate in another person when you make them wait around for 40 minutes in which they could have been drinking beer instead.
- Don’t suggest going out to the pub over the road for dinner when you’re both hungry – and then spend 30 further minutes experimenting with your hairstyle and accessorising your outfit before you leave.
- If you’re going to talk with authority about a complex scientific subject, don’t get pissy when someone asks you questions about it which you are unable to answer.
- If you are living rent-free in someone else’s house and staying at home all day, earning no money while you are pursuing personal projects, do the fucking washing up. Do not wait until everyone gets home and then express your INTENTION of doing the washing up.
- Understand that “Best Before” dates on food and drink are guidelines about optimum quality, and not an instruction to throw something away.
- If you really want to do something, go and do it.
- If you really DON’T want to do something, don’t do it.
- If you don’t know WHAT you want, but equally don’t want suggestions, shut the fuck up about not knowing what you want.
- If you choose to utterly dismiss the ideas and guidance of your partner, do not then unquestioningly accept that exact same advice from one of your parents, in front of your partner. Regularly.
- That mold you just noticed growing in the corner of your window? That’s been there for the last 6 months, and is not why you are suddenly ill.
- Don’t balance breakable glass items on your fingertips if you know in advance that you’re clumsy and not very good at cleaning up.
- Don’t assume that because you are a musician, you are instinctively more in tune with everything and are therefore correct. About everything.
- If you have cold-like symptoms, there’s a good chance you’ve probably just got a cold.
- Try to remember that there is a world of difference between opinion and fact.
- If you decide to be sneering and dismissive towards your partner about being such a hideous drunk that they do not remember specific conversations and events, try really hard to ensure that those conversations and events didn’t in fact happen with a previous partner of yours.
- Take a stand about Valentine’s day; decide that you are either going to DO Valentine’s Day, or that you are NOT going to do Valentine’s Day, but do not under any circumstances ask your partner whether or not they want a Valentine’s card. On Valentine’s Day.