1) I am remarkably untidy. It’s not deliberate, but simply the result of a combination of not really giving a toss, and having an almost unbelievably bad short term memory when it comes to completing tasks like Putting Shit Away. If mess makes you uncomfortable, you should probably avoid coming to my house. However, as untidy as I am, I know where everything is. It might look like abject chaos to YOU, but move my shit, or mess with the order that you cannot perceive, and I will get a bit grumpy.
2) If you are a man – unless we are talking about an activity that requires pure physical strength that is beyond my ability – there is a good chance I will out-man you in a lot of tasks. Please don’t worry about it; I’ve simply made it a point of focus and pride in my life to be able to do those things. By all means OFFER to take a look at my car when it’s broken if you like, but don’t be offended when I say no and sort it out myself.
3) I drink. A lot. Most of the time. Not especially heavily, but consistently enough to cause alarm in some people. Am I aware that it is not the healthiest of life choices? Yes. Do I need you to bring it to my attention? With pursed lips and raised eyebrows? No.
4) I don’t enjoy shopping, or shoes, or handbags, or accessories, or babies, or haircuts. Any attempt to engage me in conversation about any of these things will probably meet with a blank stare, especially if you talk with a conspiratorial tone like I should know what you’re on about because I have a vagina.
5) I don’t like fighting. Or arguing. Or even mildly disagreeing. If you have properly fucked me off, I will go away somewhere until I have calmed down sufficiently to be able to present my concerns to you with as pleasant and reasonable a face as I can. If you have just annoyed me, I will more than likely sit in the corner and chew on my knuckles until I simply don’t feel the need to say anything any more. Do not expect me to engage in a “heated debate” in the pub. Or anywhere else for that matter.
6) I like my own company. In fact, most of the time I prefer my own company to that of even people that I REALLY like. I travel alone, I go to gigs and festivals alone, 99% of my interaction with the world is through a PC screen that I can switch off. If you act like a dick, I will have no second thoughts at all about wandering off and leaving you to act like a dick on your own, regardless of where we might be.
7) I will only make a statement if I am 100% confident that I am correct. If I am not sure that I know something, I will either shut up entirely, or will preface whatever I am saying with “I don’t know but I THINK…”. I automatically assume this is how everyone operates, so if you are talking about something I don’t understand – unless instructed otherwise – I will conclude that you know what you are talking about, and will ask you an inordinate amount of questions until I have satisfied my own curiosity. This isn’t a challenge, and I don’t intend to put you on the spot, but this is KNOWLEDGE people. Must have. Also, if I know you are wrong then I’ll be nice about it, but I will tell you why.
8) I am horribly honest – but only when pressed. I will avoid an awkward situation if there is any way to sidestep it, but if you ask me a direct question, then I will answer it truthfully. If you don’t want to hear what I actually think, I would recommend that you don’t ask in the first place.
9) You might not hear from me for weeks – or months – on end. Don’t be offended, I still like you, I’m probably just knitting. Or reading a new series of books. Or on holiday in Norway. Other people are really not my first thought. There is never any upset intended, but I am normally so involved in the immediacy of whatever I am doing, you will probably need to remind me that you exist.
10) I don’t lose my temper often, but when I do, it’s biblical. I frequently have short snappy rants – which are mostly for comedy purposes, if I am honest – but I only genuinely lose my temper about once every 4 years or so. It’s normally because I am properly hacked off with someone being an unreasonable prick, but I am too drunk to make a sensible choice and walk away from a fight. It gets all kinds of unpleasant, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. However, if you happen to incite this level of fury and violence, you have been warned in advance by points 5 and 10, and I therefore claim no responsibility.
11) I will judge you, based on your actions and choices. I mostly won’t treat you any differently, because I am completely aware that my standards are based on my own life experiences and are maybe not even fair – and therefore not applicable to anyone other than myself…but I am Judgey McJudgeypants of the Clan Judge, and if you don’t recycle because you “can’t be bothered”, I will quietly be calling you a dick in my head for ever more.