I’ve been thinking recently about some films that I will never ever watch again, for a variety of different reasons. Some because they were truly bad, some because they were so much of a let-down, some because they hurt. Here they are, but no spoilers – because there might be something wrong with you and you may want to actually go and watch these…
Grave of the Fireflies
While a lot of this list is based solely on my personal opinion, this film is renowned for moving the most emotionally immovable people. It is one of the excellent Studio Ghibli animations, which while they do frequently have very deep themes, they are normally characterised by quirky, fun characters, and being steeped in Japanese lore. This film is a very different beast. It follows the story of two children in Japan at the end of the 2nd World War… and it will wrap its tiny hands around your heart, and squeeze and squeeze until it is crushed into a ball so small, your chest will collapse into the vaccuum.
An ex-boyfriend once wanted to buy the Alien quadrilogy boxset. I told him not to bother, because I would make him leave this fourth film outside the front door. It is a complete car crash of a movie, and I HATE it. The rage kicked in for me when they start getting science – the premise that the entire film is based on – wrong. The most disappointing thing about the whole movie for me is that it was written by Joss Whedon, who is normally like Midas when it comes to TV & film. QUIT FUCKING UP MY FAVOURITE FRANCHISE, YOU BASTARDS.
I paid to see this at the cinema, and I deeply regret contributing in even that small way to profit from this movie. It was perhaps the dullest and most disappointing few hours of my life, outside of the bedroom towards the tail-end of a relationship. I have a bit of a lady-boner for comic book adaptations, even if I have never read the actual comics – the visual style, the costumes, the depth of the characters, the innate sense of history and complexity, the back story… In fact, you have to try really hard to fuck them up, because someone else has already done all of the legwork. Elektra was as interesting, deep, exciting and visually stimulating as a sock. A used sock. A used sock, discarded in the corner of a teenage boy’s room. Just with less edge.
The Green Mile
This is a great film, stuffed full of really talented actors, but the crippling unfairness of it broke me. I cried for the last 10 minutes of the film. Full on toddler snot trails down my face, and I will never put myself through the heart-ache again.
This had so much promise, but it is easily the single worst film I have ever seen – and I have spent massive chunks of my life watching dodgy low-budget 80’s movies from the darkest corners of the local video shop. Bad writing, bad acting, bad direction. I’m fairly sure that there was supposed to be a plot, but I’ll be damned if I can tell you what it was. I am a huge fan of swearing, but the dialogue in this film seems to have been written by a handful of 12 year old boys who have just discovered the words “fuck” and “pussy”. It was trying so hard to be what I assume from the adverts Sons of Anarchy is, but it failed. Hard. It wasn’t even ironic enough to achieve cult levels of awfulness.
Million Dollar Baby
Clint Eastwood, Hilary Swank, Morgan Freeman. As you would expect from such great actors, this film was engaging, funny, real… It was going SO WELL – until the last half an hour. Devastating. I cried myself to sleep that night thinking about it. Sobbing.
This is a film about arsholes. Arseholes doing arsehole things, sometimes to other arseholes, sometimes to people who aren’t arseholes, but who don’t get any screen-time. Even the victims of domestic abuse garner no sympathy, because they are arseholes. I have been advised that that’s kinda the point of the film, which I fail on every level to understand.
The Blair Witch Project
As a film, this was alright, innovative I guess, but horribly over-hyped. I had a mission when I was younger to find a film that would truly scare me. Based on the marketing, this was going to be The One. I went to see it on Halloween with my eyes shining and my heart full of promise. I got to the end of the film and my response was; “Oh. Was that it?”. Gutted doesn’t describe it.
The Day After Tomorrow
Another film that I paid to see at the cinema and was just awful. Dull, clichéd, hugely disappointing. I really really wanted to walk out. I should have just left, but I stayed partly because I had already handed over money which I wasn’t going to get back, partly because after a while I went past a tipping point of personal investment, and partly because I was kinda still hoping it might turn into something worthwhile at the end. Actually, that’s pretty much exactly what happened with most of my previous relationships…